Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
