If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
