Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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