My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
