I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
