Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
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sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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