For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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