Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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