I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
