Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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