I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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