dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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