Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
