Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
