I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
