if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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