Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Randomize
