Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
