I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
