i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
