It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
