the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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