Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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