Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
