I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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