I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She bit a glass in half.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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