Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
