38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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