When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
