My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
