i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
