Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
