I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
