I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
