Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
