Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
