Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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