Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
third nipple confirmed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
