just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
