My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
