Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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