I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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