Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
