don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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