my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
