you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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