Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
