i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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