she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's blow job season.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
