Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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