so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
