so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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