No awkward lesbian experiences without me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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