i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
