the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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