I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
