How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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